Can you tell what i'm studying?!

Chiarascuro

Without the silhouette of the building against the vestiges of the light in the sky this image would be lesser; the contrast of the light and shadow, the presence of the two is what draws the eye into the centre of the image. The background is three photos superimposed on each other - our eyes struggle to bring the image into focus but if we cease struggling what happens then?


Meditation is letting go of the struggle, opening our fist to become an open hand, letting a thought float away without needing to hold on, engaging with the breath


Exploring Christian ethics is to tussle with the theories, engage with the questions without any need to come to a conclusion, simply to accept that there are more questions than answers and that to fix one's belief is to close down rather than open up the spirit

If i study in order to gain good marks i am diminished.  If i study in order to engage with the theological chiarascuro (accepting the need for the presence of both the "good" and the "evil", the light and the shadow, the agony and the ecstacy, the anxiety and the bliss) then i can authentically walk the path, can live the questions now (to paraphrase Rainier Maria Rilke), can be enthusiastic in conversation, curious in learning, without needing to own "the way".

Doors Open - to the outdoors as well as the indoors

We had an interesting time on Saturday visiting the Church of the Sacred Heart, Granton Lighthouse, and St Cecelia's Hall which all had special events to mark Doors Open Day 2009.

  But whilst the stained glass, statues, musical instruments and buildings were fascinating they were nothing when compared to the light and the clouds outside!

We walked round the church with its friezes, Stations of the Cross, marble and finely embroidered vestments...  The light through the cupolas kept drawing my eye - oh for a church without walls...

And by the time i was walking down to buy vegetables in the late afternoon the cloud formations were simply stunning!  Indeed i had to phone Gail and pull her away from doing chores to step outside and enjoy them too!

Signs on the path

Walking along from Canonmills to the Botanics today i noticed an antiquarian bookstore that was closed and had a sign taped in front of the CLOSED sign. My mind started racing as to what might have happened to the poor individual given that the store is still closed! Then i saw the other sign on the door which said Relax! It made me chuckle and gave me a simple pleasure on a day of worries about being a student and visiting a friend who is not keeping well. Sometimes it is good to stop and read the signs on the path!

And then it was Friday...

Now is the time
to say "Yippee! it's Friday!"
to look up again at the skies
see their blueness
observe the clouds
and climb on the bus one last time
before the long weekend
and the beginning of
my next beginning
this time as a student

Jet Stream Meditation

From 08.59 until 09.49 i tracked this jet stream as it
slowly, slowly dispersed

I was walking once again to student registration
and joined the many active commuters so far as
treading the same path is concerned but while they
had their heads down and shoulders hunched
i turned my face to the skies

Between 09.14 and 09.49 i was sitting in Adam House hoping
to be able to collect my student card...
By the time i came out again i thought there would be
no sign of the jet stream but it was still there...just.

The moment arrives...

Dramatic pause
night stretches
between day before and the day itself
half stays by the gate, lingers, drags her feet
half rushes forward,
anxious, excited, terrified.

The night will take its time,
its usual time,
to pass
yet it will feel like the longest
and the shortest
night of my life.

Destination university

one-way ticket to the future

but where's the map

and how do i get there

and what if i get it wrong?

The air becomes clouded with questions

each gasped breath creates a new cloud

as it is exhaled until

there is only cloud

no space in between.

Thoughts pierce the fog

as the cloud settles across the bed

the blanket of knitted questions

gently smothers

until i become the air

floating above the cloud

above the blanket

above myself.

And then the day arrives
time continues
at its usual pace
but seems to be rushing me out of the door
and down the road.
I walk - the bus is not at the bus-stop and i don't have time to wait...
There are few clouds, the air is blue and bright and clear
and i am too busy keeping up with time to fret...too much


This day, the one that has arrived, is part one only...
This beginning, firmly now set in motion,
has a lengthy introduction!

Now is the time

Now is the time

Indeed i almost missed the moment...the time to move from the abstract to the concrete...and yet this "concrete" is fluid, it is more like cloud or a river or...

I look for the answers everywhere but within
i put my life on hold rather than live the questions now
the key has been mislaid, forgotten, never created
and yet i have the key, i made the key, i keep forgetting where it is

I dreamt i was trying to get upstream, i dreamt i was trying to scrub the toilets clean without being found out, i dreamt i was going with the flow...and then the flow took me to a place i had not planned to be in...  I woke with that feeling i get when i know i've been dreaming, i know i have fragments of it but they're all just out of reach.  I carry that feeling with me through the day.

What do my dreams mean?
Answer dear heart, answer
Why do i have these dreams?
Soothe me kind spirit, soothe me
How can i learn to dream differently?
Turn the key in the door and step through.

Travel with me on this new voyage as i wrestle with angels and demons.  Join me on my travels whether for a few steps or for them all - you are welcome...